Nobody knows, nobody sees, nobody knows but me

I think that if you looked back at the month of November for every year I have been blogging you will find some sort of Seasonal Affective Disorder post.  Here is the 2011 installment.

I hate this time of year.  I hate that it's dark at 4:45.  I hate that every ounce of energy I have is zapped from my body.  I hate that I can't sleep when I am oh so tired.  I'm in a funk and even though- for the first time in my life- I am working out three times a week or more, it's not helping.

The simplest of tasks take everything to complete.  And everything is just so... blue.

Depression has many frustrating aspects.  It's amplification during the winter months is just one of them.  But the one I find most frustrating is that people usually don't consider that there is anything wrong with you- except that you are a disrespectful, ungrateful, cold-hearted, bitch.  They don't consider the extreme anxiety you feel in certain situations, or the effort it takes to leave the house.  No they don't, because some depressed folks do a pretty good job of hiding what they feel.  Until they're back home.  And the sun goes down.

I am not the type of person who deliberately hurts people, and yet my actions, or lack thereof, seem to do just that.  I don't mean to hurt anyone, and I don't want to feel this way, but I have and I do, and sometimes we all just have to learn to accept it.

I'm sad.  I have a therapist.  I work out.  I take medication.  This too shall pass.

A ship without a sail, boobs without a bra

I've been feeling a little blah lately.  I don't think my health is the greatest, and my weight has crept up and for the first time ever I can feel it effecting my everyday life.  I don't like it.

It took a lot for me to admit that to myself.  It's taking a lot for me to admit it here.  And when I tried to have a conversation with my husband about it, well I guess it was the wrong time and his response was to rattle off World Series stats.  OK, so my timing wasn't great, but he had just turned the TV on.  Just.  It's not like he had watched every minute of every game.

Of course, and really, I don't like to air my dirty laundry here, but sometimes.... well, I don't think I'm heard around here much.  Maybe it's martyr syndrome, but I do a lot.  I handle a multitude of actual paying "jobs".  I volunteer at my girls' school, we run the concession stand for the soccer club, I am a co-leader of one daughter's Girl Scout troop and leader for the other.  I do a lot.  But I don't think the other three people who live in this house agree.

My six-year-old seems to always point out the things she feels I don't do. Such as, make her dinner.  Because apparently when you make someone dinner and they wait 45 minutes to sit down, then decide they don't like it, and you won't make them anything else?  That means you never make them dinner.

I want to be heard.  I want someones full attention.  I don't want to be asked when I am going to pay the Verizon bill.  It makes me defensive.  I've tried to hand off the family finances and yet I am still in charge, so don't ask me those questions, with that tone.  Yes, that tone.  Well, I hear a tone.

I want to be told I am doing a good job.  I want to hear, "It's such a relief to have YOU take care of ALL of this.  Thank you for alleviating my stress."

I guess I am just selfish.  Perhaps needy.  Maybe I really am just brat.  Or maybe when I squeeze you tight because I am overwhelmed with love, I just want to be squeezed back.

All that, and physically I feel like crap too.  Happy Friday.

Learning through social media

It's amazing what you can learn on the internet.  It's equally as amazing what you can experience on the internet.  Sure, there is the instant gratification aspect of finding an answer when you need it, but there is also the wonder of stumbling upon something fascinating when you weren't even looking for it.

Tonight while scrolling along my Twitter home page I found an interesting Tweet from Joshua McIntire, the Internet Buzz Examiner at Examiner.com.  His job is to find buzz worthy things on the world wide web and tonight, at least as far as I am concerned, he succeeded.

Check out these photos of the Ruins of Detroit at the Marchand Meffre Photography website.  They are simply beautiful... and sad.

The Ruins of Detroit.