My Life of What Ifs

Monday, November 28, 2011

Nobody knows, nobody sees, nobody knows but me

I think that if you looked back at the month of November for every year I have been blogging you will find some sort of Seasonal Affective Disorder post.  Here is the 2011 installment.

I hate this time of year.  I hate that it's dark at 4:45.  I hate that every ounce of energy I have is zapped from my body.  I hate that I can't sleep when I am oh so tired.  I'm in a funk and even though- for the first time in my life- I am working out three times a week or more, it's not helping.

The simplest of tasks take everything to complete.  And everything is just so... blue.

Depression has many frustrating aspects.  It's amplification during the winter months is just one of them.  But the one I find most frustrating is that people usually don't consider that there is anything wrong with you- except that you are a disrespectful, ungrateful, cold-hearted, bitch.  They don't consider the extreme anxiety you feel in certain situations, or the effort it takes to leave the house.  No they don't, because some depressed folks do a pretty good job of hiding what they feel.  Until they're back home.  And the sun goes down.

I am not the type of person who deliberately hurts people, and yet my actions, or lack thereof, seem to do just that.  I don't mean to hurt anyone, and I don't want to feel this way, but I have and I do, and sometimes we all just have to learn to accept it.

I'm sad.  I have a therapist.  I work out.  I take medication.  This too shall pass.

1 comment:

Rebecca said...

I'm glad you know that it will pass. I manage okay until about February, then it really starts to get to me. This year it's a little harder because I'm working 6am-4:30pm in a windowless room and getting essentially no daylight at all. It *does* make a difference. But you're doing all you can to take care of YOU and you'll be fine.

Lots of love, friend!!