My Life of What Ifs

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Wanks, Banks and Automobiles

Tell me how you would handle this situation.

You lead a frugal lifestyle and have managed to put a few dollars away for a rainy day. A dear friend, or family member, comes along and is in need of some quick cash to cover a bit of bad luck, or poor planning. You offer your rainy day fund, they accept, and you continue your sensible life. Maybe you live even more tightly than before, just until the loan is repaid. One day, as you're eating another lunch of ramen, that dear friend or family member, stops by to say hello. You can't help but notice their fresh manicure and designer handbag. "Hmmm," you wonder, "shouldn't that money have been given to me to repay the loan?" Shouldn't your friend have been making sacrifices in their lifestyle to account for the pickle they found themselves in that you helped rescue them from? Common sense says yes. Common courtesy also says yes. Logic agrees. AIG does not.

Apparently even if you run a company into the ground and the government must bail the company out, twice, you can still get your nails done. Why else would a company pay out yearly bonuses of any kind when you are indebted to your government already?

Let's shift to former GM CEO Rick Wagoner. In my own soft hearted way I feel for him, I really do. But come on, a retirement package worth 20 million? Aren't there factory workers who are losing their retirement packages all together? I know he's been working for a buck since January 1st, and that he has 33 years with GM, but seriously 20 million? Even if paid as annuities I find it hard to digest. As someone who worked at an automotive supplier for 12 years I sympathize greatly with the UAW workers. There were many years that we did not receive raises because our client wasn't doing so hot and our suppliers fees were cut. I get it. But when you think about how many top level executives are compensated in salary and bonuses for essentially not doing such a bang up job it does make one vomit a little.

I think I understand why the banks are given money with little repercussions while the Auto manufacturers are held to such scrutiny. Money talks. Cars only keep you from having to walk. Money is handled by designer suit wearing Harvard grads. Cars are built by the middle class. I may not be an expert but even someone from Michigan can recognize a clusterf... errr.... mess when they see one. I just hope those people who end up rolling in it remember one thing. Karma's a bitch.

Monday, March 30, 2009

... got to have a J.O.B. if you want to be with me

I think my husband is going to start singing this song. Soon. With a few pronoun changes of course.

Thank you Eddie Murphy.

"'Cause nothin' from nothin', lea-eaves a nothin'
You got to have somethin' if you want to be with me"


Sunday, March 29, 2009

Cryptic Enigma

(This is a totally weird post. Don't ask questions, not knowing is good... )

I've OD'd on nostalgia. I've been dumped by the past. It's time to purge for the sake of my mind, body and soul. So ladies and gentlemen I give you the word hurl... the melody retch... the lyric upchuck.

There were times I almost let you go, when I thought I needed to break free.

It's not what you got, it's what you give. It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live.

Where the sidewalk ends and the road begins, we said goodbye on a cold dark night. I'm not afraid to go, you bet I'm not. Where the sidewalk ends you left a lot.

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head. I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead.

Took a long walk after midnight trying to make sense of it all. Tried to catch a glimpse of my old life but your face was all I saw.

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'till it goes bad. 'Til you try to find the you that you once had.

I love you. I've loved you all along. I miss you. Been far away for far too long.

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone.

Someone swears his true love until the end of time. Another runs away, separate or united, healthy or insane. And to be yourself is all that you can do.

Your eyes were red, mine painted black. My thin blue dress, slid down my back. You held me close and you cried cried cried, cause we both knew I wasn’t coming back.

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned, but I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned. I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

All that I am. All that I ever was. Is here in your perfect eyes they're all I can see. I don't know where, confused about how as well, just know that these things will never change for us at all.

You shimmy-shook my soul, leaving me stranded all in love on my own. Do you think of me, where am I now?

Should I let it start again? Open up the book and read it. I will show you what I can, show you I can be the best of men. Just don’t break my heart, just don’t break my heart, ‘Cause it’s the only one I’ve got.

And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't breathe without you, but I have to.

You have been mine since time untold. Our love is immortal, don't you know. Others will come, and they will go. But I loved you young, and I'll love you old.

It's all your fault, you called me beautiful. You turned me out and now I can't turn back. I hold my breath, because you were perfect. But I'm running out of air and it's not fair.

Still you're my best friend, and after a good, good drunk. You and me wake up and make love after a deep sleep where I was dreaming, I was dreaming of a Dreamgirl.

We're strange allies, with warring hearts, what a wild-eyed beast you be. The Space Between the wicked lies we tell, and hope to keep us safe from the pain.

Don't forget my broken heart, you remember it from the start. You made it and it's all a part, of your grey blue eyes.

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me. Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.

How many times can I break til I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after, I always turn the car around. All that I feel is the realness I'm faking, taking my time but its time that I'm wasting. I always turn the car around.

There's an emptiness inside her and she'll do anything to fill it in. And though it's red blood bleeding from her now, it's more like cold blue ice in her heart. She feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life. She could change everything about her, using colors bold and bright. But all the colors mix together - to grey, and it breaks her heart.

There's always one that gets away. The one that sneaks up on you that slips away. In a closed off corner of my heart, yes I'll always see your face, the one that got away.

I miss the sound of your voice, loudest thing in my head, and I ache to remember all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said.

Nobody knows, nobody sees. Nobody knows but me.

You see the smile that's on my mouth. It's hiding the words that don't come out. All of the friends who think that I'm blessed. They don't know that my head is a mess.

This is our last goodbye. I hate to feel the love between us die, but it's over. Just hear this and then I'll go. You gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know.

Plus, for reading this far, my favorite Post Secret postcard of the week....

And finally, the awesome valentine created by Joel Holland that appeared in Ready Made magazine in the February/March issue...

I consider myself cleansed :)

Music After Midnight

Love, love, love it. Had to post.

Last Goodbye ~ Jeff Buckley

This is our last goodbye
I hate to feel the love between us die
But it's over
Just hear this and then i'll go
You gave me more to live for
More than you'll ever know

This is our last embrace
Must I dream and always see your face
Why can't we overcome this wall
Well, maybe it's just because i didn't know you at all

Kiss me, please kiss me
But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation
You know it makes me so angry 'cause i know that in time
I'll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye

Did you say 'no, this can't happen to me,'
And did you rush to the phone to call
Was there a voice unkind in the back of your mind
Saying maybe you didn't know him at all
You didn't know him at all, oh, you didn't know

Well, the bells out in the church tower chime
Burning clues into this heart of mine
Thinking so hard on her soft eyes and the memories
Offer signs that it's over... it's over

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Please Make it Stop

I don't know how much more I can handle.


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Age and Fashion Tolerance

Once upon a time I made fun of ladies like me. The women who came into the store where I worked in sweatpants, with messy hair and mascara under their eyes. "I just needed to run in for a few things" they would say, and in my mind I was saying "There ain't no way I am ever gonna leave the house looking like that!" Yeah well, never say never.

A few mornings a week I take Jayden to daycare/preschool after Ryann gets on the bus. I see no need to shower and get pretty before performing this task. I will brush my teeth and try to arrange my hair so it's not standing straight up, but other than that I don't feel that anything more is necessary. I am not trying to impress anyone. This wouldn't be so bad if Jayden's school was the only place I went. Because honestly I'm really not the only Mom there that looks like they walked off of Glamour magazine's "Don't" page. At least I usually have jeans on and not Christmas themed pajama bottoms. Unfortunately in addition to my fashion ignorance I also have a serious Starbucks addiction and I usually "run in" to the local Target for my "fix" before returning home. And while I may have jeans on they are usually joined by my Hot Pink fuzzy Crocs, the shirt I slept in, and a coat to cover up the fact that I am not supported in a certain area. Yeah. Sexy.

I remember the first time I went to the movies in sweats. I had given birth to my first child a few weeks earlier and I HAD to get the hell out of the house. It was early November and my clothing choices were limited so I wore the biggest sweatshirt I owned and sweatpants. I also wore my Nikes in case anyone wanted to assume I had just come from working out. I sat in the theater, approximately six weeks post partum and wondered "What the hell have I become?" Sure, growing up I didn't read Vogue in eighth grade like my BFF Jenny. I was more concerned with getting Kirk Cameron to marry me than perfecting eyeshadow application in that trendy pink-yellow-blue combination. But I did have some standards. I had some level of what I felt was acceptable. But as a new mother just happy to be free to watch Ben Affleck for two hours, and now as a mother of two trying to get everyone where they need to be so I can get on with my day, I couldn't care less.

OK, I'll admit I do care what one person thinks. Someone who loves me unconditionally but does have their own standards about what is acceptable. Someone who feels awesome in the perfect outfit. So when Jayden asks "Mom, why are you wearing your pajamas to my school?" I have to revisit Stacy's book of do's and don'ts and promise my five year old I will never wear sweats to drop her off again.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Hell Hath Frozen Over

My hopes for moving to New York, or Montana, and finding a sugar daddy in the form of David Letterman have been squashed. At 61, Dave has married his girlfriend of 23 years! I am sad and disappointed. Life as we knew it is no longer. Let's just hope he survives the seven year itch.

Monday, March 23, 2009

This Chicken is Delicious

I love Will Ferrell and everything he does, but somehow I missed this clip when it aired on Saturday Night Live years ago. Now it has become a personal joke thanks to my friend Kristin who laughed her ass off when she realized what kind of car I drive. For the record my 2002 Dodge Stratus has over 180,000 miles on it. Sadly, I am not a Division Manager of any kind.


Thursday, March 19, 2009


I've often wondered what would be different if I had taken someone else to my senior prom. Someone who openly and outwardly cared for me and made it the evening found in Molly Ringwald movies. But then I realize that there was no chance I could have taken someone else to my prom. It wasn't in the cards for me. I was destined to take The Ass, someone who made us miss dinner, someone who took me home immediately after, someone who may have cared for me somewhere inside himself but he wasn't going to tell me or show me. He was a challenge. He created drama and I liked that.

Two months before prom I had been dating my first real boyfriend. We dated for about two months until I went to Florida for Spring Break. I was in Daytona where The Ass also was for his Spring Break. Needless to say The Boyfriend and I ended upon my return to Michigan. Honestly it never really occurred to me to ask The Boyfriend to take me to prom. Maybe I knew it would be a magical evening filled with thought and romance and who wants that? Certainly not me. Not the one acting out dramatic scenes from movies in her room. I wanted high drama, conflict, emotion- raw emotion that leads to passion. Scenes that others want to witness.

Some of these same reasons may be why I started a blog. By going to prom with The Ass I turned heads. He was a bad boy from another school and maybe I wanted people to be intrigued by my choice of a date. By starting a blog I invite others into my world, some I know, some I don't. Maybe secretly I am an exhibitionist? I enjoy drama and attention, and I like it even more if others are watching, or reading. Am I using my blog to gain attention? If so, attention from who? I have used my blog to send quiet messages to certain people, and I have used it to send obvious shout-outs to others. Does that make me desperate or just sad? Neither really, it's just all a part of who I am.

My husband doesn't read my blog because he wants me to feel free to write whatever I want without censoring myself. What do you think that means? I often wonder if I would write anything different if I knew he was reading. I doubt it. That would take away the fun of knowing that he's reading. I know others are lurking, and I like that. I will continue to write for them and to them. I will continue to seek out more readers who want to peek into my world, and I will enjoy the feeling I get knowing that they are.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Today I got fresh highlights and a new haircut. I had lunch with a wonderful friend. Then I spent my drive home sipping on a Venti Iced Mocha. Today was a great day. A really great day.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Wisdom of Dr. Seuss

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

I first read this quote several months ago. It was attributed to Dr. Seuss, but I guess some say it's really an anonymous proverb. I for one, like thinking it was said by Dr. Seuss, but no matter I love it's meaning.

As I have mentioned I don't believe in regrets and really can't think of anything that honestly causes me to feel regret. But there are things that have happened in my life that have caused me great sadness when they came to an end. Things that during their "peaks" gave me great happiness. That's why I like this quote. It has helped me keep perspective during times of darkness.

Today I was perusing Target's dollar section, sipping my Iced Mocha, and I found a little sign with this quote on it. Then I found a picture frame, and then a greeting card. What is the Universe trying to tell me? I bought the sign and plan to hang it over my desk as writing inspiration. Inspiration to keep writing a story that may be hard to relive, but was wonderful at the time. A story that I feel others will enjoy, and if others enjoy it then I know it will be easier to smile because it happened.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Click Click Click (the sellout)

If you're ever visiting my blog and there isn't much new to read, then click on the long column on the right! Or click on the wide bar at the bottom of the page. Some of it's good, some of it's not, but I may make 3 cents off of it and that would be fantastic. So give it a try! Click, click, click!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

What If There Were No Therapists?

I go through spurts where I think I don't really need therapy, that I'm done with it. Then I have a few weeks off, not quitting, but times where my schedule doesn't really allow time for it and then the spinning happens. Or is it spiraling? Either way it sucks and I realize then what my weekly therapy visits do for me. As I've said before, I'm not crazy just a little broken and therapy helps me feel better about myself. My therapist points out things that I miss, points out answers that I have for things that I didn't even realize I had. He also says things like "It's amazing that you are as sane as you are, considering all you've been through." Yeah, like I haven't heard that before.

So I don't want to know what it's like in a world without therapists, because after this last year I fear it might be a world without me.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

What if I Suck? Seriously.

Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? ~ Albert Brooks as Aaron Altman in Broadcast News.

I am an insecure person by trade, but lately I've realized I'm seasoned with a hint of egomaniac. I say this because it has occurred to me that I really thought someone would have handed me a job by now. Yes, handed. Go ahead, say it. OK, I'll say it for you. "Bitch please, you're in Michigan. And why do you think you're all that?" I don't think I'm all that, but I've never had to look for a job in my life. I've just gotten them fairly easy. One after the other, for twenty years.

I have been looking for a job, just not that hard. I'm pretty sure my resume needs some help. I think I need a few more versions to accommodate the variety of professions for which I have been applying. I naively also thought it would be easier to get my foot in the movie production door here in Michigan but I haven't had any luck. I've also worked myself into a box apparently because it's hard to read a job listing and feel that I have any business applying. I hope it's my resume and an inability to market myself that is the problem and not just that I simply suck. That would be bad. It's hard to fix suck. It's easier to rewrite your resume. Maybe. Maybe not.

But it's time to crack down. Tomorrow I'm turning in an application at Starbucks. Seriously. Oddly, that's kind of a dream job for me. I joked about working there when I first quit my job but I wasn't really kidding. I do wonder if me working at Starbucks is a little like a pill popper working in a pharmacy but regardless I stopped in today and asked if they were hiring. "We're accepting applications" the girl behind the counter replied. Okay. "Great, can I have one?" I inquired. She couldn't find any, so someone went in the back and made me a copy. Interesting. Tonight as I filled it out I was baffled. How does one fill out an employment application? Will writing my salary from my last job on the app affect their opinion or not? Should I really write that I am available for any hours or should I be honest and say 9 am and on? Seriously I'm not good at 6 am customer service, but I don't want them to pitch my app in the circular file because I am not available for all shifts at all hours. One of the questions asked "Have you ever visited a Starbucks location? If yes, describe your experience." What the hell? Do I write that I can sniff out a Starbucks within a 25 mile radius? Do I kiss Starbucks ass? Do I keep it real? ugh. I'm so not good at this.

I will drop off the application tomorrow with my resume attached and I will wait to see what "we're accepting applications" means in real time. Will I hear something in the next week? Month? Never? Never would be bad. Never would confirm that I suck. Or would it? I just don't know. But additional money must come into this house and soon. I also need purpose and if making lattes is my purpose then let me at it, and throw that loose change in the container on the counter.


Friday, March 6, 2009

Done dropped my hook in a fished-out creek

I'm spent. Tapped out. Empty. No, not my bank account, my energy tank.

This week I managed to catch some strain of cooties for the third time since becoming unemployed. This particular strain came with a high fever, excruciating body aches, and some mucus. Mucus that led to a cough. A productive cough, due to the mucus. Yum.

Needless to say I was pretty much worthless all week. So for the first time since walking out of my office sixteen weeks ago I indulged in daytime TV. A lot of daytime TV. I remembered that I love Ellen Degeneres. I found out that Whoopi is awesome on The View and I caught Van Morrison on Regis & Kelly.

The hot topics were in abundance. I saw many discussions, on many programs about "Octomom". I could not bring myself to watch her interview on Dr. Phil, but I did listen to him talk about her on The View. Judge Judy also had a strong opinion about her that she shared with Ellen.

The Bachelor Jason was also mentioned a few MILLION times during my TV time, and this morning on Ellen I got to see him apologize to the world for being a cad. Or rather, for changing his mind which is what all men do at one time or another anyway.

My boyfriend in another dimension, Jeffrey Dean Morgan was on The View this morning. Yes, Denny Duquette from Grey's Anatomy. Of course they showed the clip that I refer to here and I didn't even have the energy to scream, but I cried. A little. I worked hard and managed to stay away from soap operas. My fear was that if I saw one frame of General Hospital my years of recovery would be shot to hell and I just don't have time for that or I will never go back to work.

I said hello to my good friend Oprah and introduced myself to a new friend named Bonnie Hunt. Oh and I have to ask. What...the...hell...happened to Maury? Is he not married to Connie Chung a well-respected journalist? Does she not watch his show and just want to slap the crap out of him? His show is nothing but DNA tests and bodyguards. When did he become Jerry Springer? I guess I've been out of touch but I seem to recall Maury covering topics that were less creepy back in the day.

The final gem in my week of daytime TV came from TV Land and is responsible for the title to this post. Yesterday I watched about seven episodes of The Beverly Hillbillies. Yes, the black and white ones, not the ones in color. My girls were baffled. "Why is the TV gray?" Jayden asked. "Didn't we see stuff in black and white at Disney World?" Ryann added. I resisted the urge to tell them to shut up, because that's not nice. But please! I cannot hear Granny! I cannot hear Jed! Jed was fresh out of ideas on how to get Granny out of beatnik mode so instead of saying that he said he "done dropped my hook in a fished-out creek." Love. That.

Anyway, today I am feeling better and even managed to leave the house and enjoy the nice weather. I also removed the sweater from the dashboard of my car, 'cause it's almost Spring and my car doesn't need it anymore. Just kidding. It wasn't a sweater. It was a thick layer of dust and hair. Next I'm going to sweep up the french fries, M&M's, fruit snacks, confetti and let's not even think about what else. So I guess you could say I have found some energy. Or as Jed would say "Wee doggies!" Have a good weekend and stay away from the TV.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

And then they were eight and five

This post should have been up a few days ago, but it's amazing the level of exhaustion that you can have after hosting eight five-year-olds for a few hours and then 14 adults and 17 kids for an evening.

That was our Saturday and that was Jayden's birthday. My baby is five. Ryann is eight. While they will always be my "babies" I feel we have crossed into new territory where I no longer have babies, I have young ladies. How depressing.

Despite the craziness and the cooties left behind (which have invaded my body and given me yet another virus of some sort) Saturday was a great day. Jayden had so much fun with her friends and was so excited to have them over. They played stick-the-flower on Hello Kitty, Freeze Dance and Hot Potato. Jayden was pleased with her pinata (her only party request) and the girls were all delightful, including the one who told Cory he had to leave because he was the only boy in the house. Ryann was a fantastic helper and truly enjoyed being the big sister. She assisted with the games, judged freeze dance and made sure no one messed up her room :).

All in all Jayden is five and she loves the change. Apparently great things come with being five such as riding the school bus this fall, fastening your own seat belt and sleepovers. We shall see.