My Life of What Ifs

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Too Much of a Good Thing

In the last few days I have watched almost this whole season of Grey's Anatomy. It's all been hanging out on my DVR waiting for me to free up some time. I finally did and it's been wonderful. I've missed this show so much and one scene today will not leave my mind. It's all about Denny and Izzie. I love Denny, always have. I know that the powers-that-be never expected Jeffrey Dean Morgan and his portrayal of Denny to become the phenomena that it has or they would have never killed him off. But his return this season has been heart wrenching. And I guess even the dead, or our visions of the dead, have the best intentions. The following line from Denny will haunt me forever. I can imagine the feeling and the intense emotion involved. I could watch it over and over again.

"I loved you so much. I loved you so much that when I got to come back for you I thought... you're my heaven. But maybe... maybe I'm your hell."

Can you imagine? You can watch it here that part is at 3:17. *sigh*

Too Tired To Post

Tomorrow is my almost non-baby's 5th birthday and I have been getting everything ready for her party. Today I will make an abundance of cupcakes for her daycare group and her preschool class. But today is a significant day so I am going to cheat and link you to the post I wrote last year on this day. Add one year to all the time frames and the rest still stands. Enjoy.

February 26th

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

What if every day was Fat Tuesday?

Ha! Who am I kidding? Lately every day for me has been Fat Tuesday! I started my celebration on Saturday with a half dozen Paczkis and I have been craving carbs to the Nth degree ever since. I guess I should clarify before everyone starts fearing for my arteries and the size of my ass, I BOUGHT a half dozen Paczkis, I only ATE about three, and not all on Saturday. One was on Saturday and the other two (or maybe two-and-a-half) were on Sunday, but who's counting?

Since I quit my job my eating habits have changed drastically. In fact I eat considerably less. There is no eating because I am bored, or stressed or because it's noon. But it's funny what old habits and cravings can resurface by eating deep fried dough with sweet filling and dusted with powdered sugar. I long for pastries at all hours of the day now. It sucks.

Today I took my youngest to the high school pool for open swim with her preschool class. Prior to the event I had eaten a banana, that's it. All day. So naturally after swimming we had to swing on over to McDonalds. Did you know that every afternoon from 2 - 8 is 2 for 1 McCafe drinks? Do you know who now has an iced mocha for each side of her bodacious rear end?

Hopefully the cravings subside soon. I've lost a considerable amount of weight in the last 3 months and I'd hate to start gaining it back now. But honestly, is Fat Tuesday the day to start your diet? I don't think so.

Monday, February 23, 2009

What if I hadn't started a blog?

A thousand other "what ifs" aside, lately I have been wondering what would be different if I hadn't started my blog Hiccup Medicine in January of 2008. Actually I know of a couple of things that would be different. I wouldn't be writing at all and I wouldn't have reconnected and then disconnected with an old friend.

I don't think I would be writing because my blog, whether good or bad, has given me an outlet for my thoughts, and that has kept my passion for writing alive. Yes, there were blog droughts if you will, but when I returned I realized the importance of blogging, or writing, and I remembered how much I enjoy it. My blog, along with my therapist, encouraged me to be more faithful to my old fashioned journal-in-a-notebook too. I have always discounted the value of keeping a journal. I have even said "I've never been good at keeping a journal, I want to, but I just don't." Well, I have found out that that isn't exactly true. I have realized that I have kept pretty good records of some very important times in my life and wow, what a gift those journals are, and that leads me to what else would be different without my blog.

By way of my original blog I reconnected with an old friend. Someone who is a very important part of my history and my life. Someone who is mentioned in those old journals I found and someone who honestly, I never thought would be in my life again. I had forgotten that I had included a link to my blog on my college alumni page. A simple google search of my name will take you to the alumni site and the rest is right there for the linking. I am sharing this with you because it started out as a the coolest of experiences. Without this blog the connect might not have been made, but without this blog I might have been spared the feelings of losing a friend all over again.

You see, sometimes the past is the past and it really should be left there. Sometimes no amount of time can change things, and sometimes no matter how well we connect with someone the connection is not meant to be. Unfortunately, sometimes all of these things have to be learned the hard way, and in the end sadness ensues and you are left with an empty feeling that you are certain will never go away. This is my first time experiencing something like this. I have never lost a friend that I didn't want to lose. It's hard for me to walk away and not fight. It's hard for me to go quietly. Oh and one more thing- I am a bad loser. But I also realize that I can't be selfish, and everything is not all about me. Surprise.

So my blog has taught me some things about myself and changed my life. It's changed me in ways I wasn't looking for but that I am OK with; I have no regrets. Pink has a song called "Crystal Ball" with a line that says Oh I've felt the fire and I've been burned but I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned. I guess you could say that my blog exposed me to fire, and really it probably will continue to do so, but I wouldn't trade the good to avoid the bad.

So if I hadn't started a blog I could have avoided this emptiness, but I would have missed out on so much more. So much from the old friend, and so much from so many other places, people and things. All of that is worth everything to me and a wonderful answer to a great "what if".

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Time Suck

I have a friend who the other day referred to blogging as her time suck. She meant it in the best way, and it got me to thinking... if my dream is to be a writer shouldn't blogging and other forms of writing be my time suck too? What if I actually did as many have suggested and blocked out a certain number of hours a day to write? Seriously if you have a job that you go to aren't you required to log so many hours a day anyway? So even if you work in the comfort of your own home (and are technically still looking for outside employment to pay the bills) shouldn't you allot so much time for this "job" of yours? Yes, you should. Or rather, I should.

I have started a book and I am so excited about it. But if I don't allow it to suck some of my time it will never come to fruition and be found on the 3 for 2 shelf at Borders. It's basically written in my head, but until someone invents a brain portal allowing me to download my thoughts (in an organized fashion of course) on to someones computer then they aren't going to be able to read my book. I imagine this concept is similar to the one we had as students where we thought if we slept on our History textbook we would absorb the information through osmosis. Yeah, that never worked either.

Starting tomorrow I am committing myself to a writing schedule, or a time suck, which sounds much more like something I would actually do than a schedule. Schedule equals Groundhog day and I quit my job to get out of that cycle. Waking up every day to "I got you babe" is hell, and the what if that got me in this position will be very disappointed if I have to return to that anytime soon. So send me some time suck good luck and hopefully I actually write and don't spend it all on facebook.

Saturday, February 21, 2009


Welcome to My Life of What Ifs, my new blog about anything and everything. You will also find that by reading My Life of What Ifs you get to travel with me into my own little hypothetical world. Some of it far fetched, some not so much...

Such as, what if I had asked someone else to my senior prom? What if I had gone to Florida after graduation to work at Disney World instead of taking an advertising internship in Detroit? What if I hadn't spent 12 years paying actors to appear in commercials?

As my subtitle says, I don't believe in regrets. I am who I am because of the choices I have made and really, I like my life. But for me, what ifs are irresistible. I quit my job 14 weeks ago basically to play what if. What if I was a writer? What if I could find work on all the movies being shot in Michigan? These are very real what ifs and the writing one is very possible. I've experienced some things in the last four months that are totally what if book worthy. So with a few alterations and embellishments I am writing my first book. It's loosely based on my experiences, but loose enough that it is more fiction than memoir. But it's odd how it all fits together. Hopefully.

So join me for this new journey. Welcome to my domain. Welcome to My Life of What Ifs.