My Life of What Ifs

Friday, October 22, 2010

A ship without a sail, boobs without a bra

I've been feeling a little blah lately.  I don't think my health is the greatest, and my weight has crept up and for the first time ever I can feel it effecting my everyday life.  I don't like it.

It took a lot for me to admit that to myself.  It's taking a lot for me to admit it here.  And when I tried to have a conversation with my husband about it, well I guess it was the wrong time and his response was to rattle off World Series stats.  OK, so my timing wasn't great, but he had just turned the TV on.  Just.  It's not like he had watched every minute of every game.

Of course, and really, I don't like to air my dirty laundry here, but sometimes.... well, I don't think I'm heard around here much.  Maybe it's martyr syndrome, but I do a lot.  I handle a multitude of actual paying "jobs".  I volunteer at my girls' school, we run the concession stand for the soccer club, I am a co-leader of one daughter's Girl Scout troop and leader for the other.  I do a lot.  But I don't think the other three people who live in this house agree.

My six-year-old seems to always point out the things she feels I don't do. Such as, make her dinner.  Because apparently when you make someone dinner and they wait 45 minutes to sit down, then decide they don't like it, and you won't make them anything else?  That means you never make them dinner.

I want to be heard.  I want someones full attention.  I don't want to be asked when I am going to pay the Verizon bill.  It makes me defensive.  I've tried to hand off the family finances and yet I am still in charge, so don't ask me those questions, with that tone.  Yes, that tone.  Well, I hear a tone.

I want to be told I am doing a good job.  I want to hear, "It's such a relief to have YOU take care of ALL of this.  Thank you for alleviating my stress."

I guess I am just selfish.  Perhaps needy.  Maybe I really am just brat.  Or maybe when I squeeze you tight because I am overwhelmed with love, I just want to be squeezed back.

All that, and physically I feel like crap too.  Happy Friday.


Alicia said...

Ok, I heard you. What you just wrote I do believe goes on almost every household. The other day I had a friend tell me that we can't get everything we need from our husbands, boyfriends or lovers. So that is when you need to find someone else to fill that need. And no I am not talking about sex. You have to call those friends that tell you how fabulous you are. Make plans with the other girls who will accompany you to the movies. It just gets so hard because as mothers and wives that is just one more thing to put on the too do list. But I am so thankful that this friend shared this inside info. with me because I have been looking at things a little different.
PS You are always more incredible then even you will give yourself credit.

Dawn DB said...

I agree with Alicia about finding someone to fill that need. Yes, it's one more thing to add to your "to do" list, but it's necessary for your sanity. Only another wife/mother will really understand how you feel and give you the encouragement and love you need.

And thanks for posting what was on my mind earlier this week!

Sid said...

You always make me cry. You know how to say what the rest of us are thinking. WE think you are one awesome Wordy Girl!!!

Carrie said...

As a stay at home mom I soooo feel ya. Some days appreciation seems hard to come by. Not that its any real consolation, but I know exactly what your feeling.
Plus I'm 450 miles from my family and my bestest of friends, so "going out with the girls" isn't really a option.
When the feeling lasts more that a day, I make a point to let my husband know. Not in a accusing sort of way, but generally I say "babe, I'm outta sorts and need to recharge my batteries." At that point I get to have as much "me" time as I can afford. Sometimes that means going to the book store, by myself, for only myself. Sometimes it a long bubble bath with a good book and the door LOCKED. Its really about take a break from all responsibilities. And even an hour in the tub can go an long way.