My Life of What Ifs

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

An Endless Race

I'm not an athletic person by any means. I wish I was. I wish I was like my friend Molly who has taken up running again, really running. Like now she is entering races, running. Maybe I can do that at some point but right now I feel like I am in an endless race.

This race is my life, or maybe it's in my head. No, it's not all in my head. Who knows. When I say I'm racing I'm actually referring more to the longevity of a distance race, not the speed of the race. I'm not moving fast, but I am constantly moving. Moving from one problem solving mission to another. Whether it be about making money, or writing something others want to read, or cleaning the house, it's always something. Most days I just keep on truckin' without giving it much thought, convinced that my payout or reward is just around the corner. Other days I wonder how long I can keep running without any end in sight, wondering when my body, or my mind is going to give out and say enough.

Today I am tired. I was up until after 1 am. The school board meeting I covered for the paper ended just before 10 pm last night. By the time I wrote the brief and drove home it was midnight. Today I am frustrated. The paper itself is listed in the byline for my brief, not me. I suppose that as long as I get paid it's not a big deal, but the visual of it this morning flipped the switch inside of me that sends me spiraling. My meds are sitting at Target and I really need to go pick them up. My family doctor scaled back the anxiety meds and now I really know that that was a bad idea, something about "addiction factor". Well I'm thinking more about the 13 days left in the month.

School is almost out for Ryann and this is Jayden's last week at daycare. I need to go get her ready and take her there but I don't have it in me. I don't want to go anywhere, but I have to work today at 2. I want to sleep. I want to read magazines. I want the race to be over so I can enjoy the now instead of waiting for the later.

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