My Life of What Ifs

Monday, February 23, 2009

What if I hadn't started a blog?

A thousand other "what ifs" aside, lately I have been wondering what would be different if I hadn't started my blog Hiccup Medicine in January of 2008. Actually I know of a couple of things that would be different. I wouldn't be writing at all and I wouldn't have reconnected and then disconnected with an old friend.

I don't think I would be writing because my blog, whether good or bad, has given me an outlet for my thoughts, and that has kept my passion for writing alive. Yes, there were blog droughts if you will, but when I returned I realized the importance of blogging, or writing, and I remembered how much I enjoy it. My blog, along with my therapist, encouraged me to be more faithful to my old fashioned journal-in-a-notebook too. I have always discounted the value of keeping a journal. I have even said "I've never been good at keeping a journal, I want to, but I just don't." Well, I have found out that that isn't exactly true. I have realized that I have kept pretty good records of some very important times in my life and wow, what a gift those journals are, and that leads me to what else would be different without my blog.

By way of my original blog I reconnected with an old friend. Someone who is a very important part of my history and my life. Someone who is mentioned in those old journals I found and someone who honestly, I never thought would be in my life again. I had forgotten that I had included a link to my blog on my college alumni page. A simple google search of my name will take you to the alumni site and the rest is right there for the linking. I am sharing this with you because it started out as a the coolest of experiences. Without this blog the connect might not have been made, but without this blog I might have been spared the feelings of losing a friend all over again.

You see, sometimes the past is the past and it really should be left there. Sometimes no amount of time can change things, and sometimes no matter how well we connect with someone the connection is not meant to be. Unfortunately, sometimes all of these things have to be learned the hard way, and in the end sadness ensues and you are left with an empty feeling that you are certain will never go away. This is my first time experiencing something like this. I have never lost a friend that I didn't want to lose. It's hard for me to walk away and not fight. It's hard for me to go quietly. Oh and one more thing- I am a bad loser. But I also realize that I can't be selfish, and everything is not all about me. Surprise.

So my blog has taught me some things about myself and changed my life. It's changed me in ways I wasn't looking for but that I am OK with; I have no regrets. Pink has a song called "Crystal Ball" with a line that says Oh I've felt the fire and I've been burned but I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned. I guess you could say that my blog exposed me to fire, and really it probably will continue to do so, but I wouldn't trade the good to avoid the bad.

So if I hadn't started a blog I could have avoided this emptiness, but I would have missed out on so much more. So much from the old friend, and so much from so many other places, people and things. All of that is worth everything to me and a wonderful answer to a great "what if".

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