Emotional Baggage

I've often wanted to send my own postcard to PostSecret, but often think my own secrets would pale in comparison to the ones I have obsessed over.  I keep a file of my favorite PostSecrets on my laptop, and when I feel a connection to one I usually post it here. 

But there are a few that I love that never really fit into a category.  Maybe I don't identify with them personally.  Maybe I do?  But they speak to my heart in a way that only I, and maybe a few people on this Earth who really know me, understand.

Friday afternoon I was overcome with emotion in the parking lot at Barnes & Noble.  My heart felt heavy and I had a 'moment'.  I was happy that I am blessed enough to be at a Barnes & Noble on a Friday afternoon.  I was reflective of the last 22 months and what they have meant to me personally, mentally, psychologically, and so on.  And I was saddened by a number of what ifs.  I sat there for a moment and stared at nothing.  I wondered, for the infinite time, what I was doing?  Who am I really?  Is this what I was meant for, and to do?  Am I where I am supposed to be?

All are million dollar questions.  So I pulled myself together and walked into the store.  I found peace in the pages, and I find peace in these secrets.  Some of which I could have written myself, or perhaps they were written about me?

The Broken Clock is a Comfort

I'm starting to notice a pattern. It seems that while Fall may be my second favorite season it's also the time of year I am most likely to go into a dark place and start questioning everything. It may be why I quit my job almost a year ago, although I feel like I was fairly in control of that decision, but it's probably why I am starting to question myself again.

I've had some interesting things happen to me in the Fall, things of great significance. Some were bad, some good, some in between. Some events that made me question so many things about myself and my life- my decisions and my dreams. All the questions come with the darkness. The early darkness of Fall.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be content. I wonder if anyone is truly content for any length of time. I recently had a discussion about motivation versus inclination. So I may be motivated but not so inclined to complete the tasks that are required to do my work. Or maybe I am inclined to do them, but not motivated?

This seems to be the time of year I go looking for things. Things both good and bad- ha ha. I can laugh about it now. It's also the time of year I miss things, and people. I reminisce in the early darkness of evening and I wonder, what if? I dissect lyrics, and scenes from films, and I replay significant events from my life over and over in my head. Seasons come and seasons go, it's that time of year, and that, nothing and no one, can change.

Lesson Learned

With lots of good, there is always a little bad. Most of my bad is self-inflicted and usually seems trivial to everyone else. Yesterday was a fantastic day. My work on chick lit at the Examiner is really taking off and that is so exciting. I am making some awesome contacts which will help make the page more informative.

I also have two stories to cover on Monday for the newspaper, one is a feature! I will launch my website for my Rights & Licensing business as soon as I my friend finishes my logo, so everything is going really well for me. I even worked a few hours in a sweltering greenhouse today spacing mums, but I was with great people and it was a fun morning.

But then I go and do something that I felt comfortable doing and quickly realize it was a mistake. I'm not sharing what it is here, but let's just say I will not do it again. There is no sense in it, I just wish my lesson learned didn't have to rain on my parade. Unfortunately that is how my brain deals with these things. Hopefully I can distract myself enough from my stupidity and go back to enjoying my successes. Hopefully.

Creative Writing (Take 1)

He came into my work to see me. I found this odd because I couldn't recall telling him anything about the greenhouse I had been hired at for the summer.

I was in the process of trying to find a cart to unload some flats of flowers when I saw him. Our eyes met and I kept walking, right on past him. His disappointment was instant and obvious but my decision to keep walking took no thought.

As I continued to look for a cart I saw him sitting and waiting for me. But I felt no hesitation or inclination to acknowledge him beyond that initial look.

Eventually he walked out of the shop. He didn't seem disappointed or angry really, he looked at peace, like he had his answer about me, about everything. Then I woke up and I realized I had mine as well.

Cryptic Enigma

(This is a totally weird post. Don't ask questions, not knowing is good... )

I've OD'd on nostalgia. I've been dumped by the past. It's time to purge for the sake of my mind, body and soul. So ladies and gentlemen I give you the word hurl... the melody retch... the lyric upchuck.

There were times I almost let you go, when I thought I needed to break free.

It's not what you got, it's what you give. It ain't the life you choose, it's the life you live.

Where the sidewalk ends and the road begins, we said goodbye on a cold dark night. I'm not afraid to go, you bet I'm not. Where the sidewalk ends you left a lot.

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head. I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead.

Took a long walk after midnight trying to make sense of it all. Tried to catch a glimpse of my old life but your face was all I saw.

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'till it goes bad. 'Til you try to find the you that you once had.

I love you. I've loved you all along. I miss you. Been far away for far too long.

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone? Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone.

Someone swears his true love until the end of time. Another runs away, separate or united, healthy or insane. And to be yourself is all that you can do.

Your eyes were red, mine painted black. My thin blue dress, slid down my back. You held me close and you cried cried cried, cause we both knew I wasn’t coming back.

Oh I've felt that fire and I've been burned, but I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned. I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned.

All that I am. All that I ever was. Is here in your perfect eyes they're all I can see. I don't know where, confused about how as well, just know that these things will never change for us at all.

You shimmy-shook my soul, leaving me stranded all in love on my own. Do you think of me, where am I now?

Should I let it start again? Open up the book and read it. I will show you what I can, show you I can be the best of men. Just don’t break my heart, just don’t break my heart, ‘Cause it’s the only one I’ve got.

And we know it's never simple, never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand. And I can't breathe without you, but I have to.

You have been mine since time untold. Our love is immortal, don't you know. Others will come, and they will go. But I loved you young, and I'll love you old.

It's all your fault, you called me beautiful. You turned me out and now I can't turn back. I hold my breath, because you were perfect. But I'm running out of air and it's not fair.

Still you're my best friend, and after a good, good drunk. You and me wake up and make love after a deep sleep where I was dreaming, I was dreaming of a Dreamgirl.

We're strange allies, with warring hearts, what a wild-eyed beast you be. The Space Between the wicked lies we tell, and hope to keep us safe from the pain.

Don't forget my broken heart, you remember it from the start. You made it and it's all a part, of your grey blue eyes.

Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me. Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded.

How many times can I break til I shatter? Over the line, can't define what I'm after, I always turn the car around. All that I feel is the realness I'm faking, taking my time but its time that I'm wasting. I always turn the car around.

There's an emptiness inside her and she'll do anything to fill it in. And though it's red blood bleeding from her now, it's more like cold blue ice in her heart. She feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life. She could change everything about her, using colors bold and bright. But all the colors mix together - to grey, and it breaks her heart.

There's always one that gets away. The one that sneaks up on you that slips away. In a closed off corner of my heart, yes I'll always see your face, the one that got away.

I miss the sound of your voice, loudest thing in my head, and I ache to remember all the violent, sweet, perfect words that you said.

Nobody knows, nobody sees. Nobody knows but me.

You see the smile that's on my mouth. It's hiding the words that don't come out. All of the friends who think that I'm blessed. They don't know that my head is a mess.

This is our last goodbye. I hate to feel the love between us die, but it's over. Just hear this and then I'll go. You gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know.

Plus, for reading this far, my favorite Post Secret postcard of the week....



And finally, the awesome valentine created by Joel Holland that appeared in Ready Made magazine in the February/March issue...



I consider myself cleansed :)

Exhibitionist

I've often wondered what would be different if I had taken someone else to my senior prom. Someone who openly and outwardly cared for me and made it the evening found in Molly Ringwald movies. But then I realize that there was no chance I could have taken someone else to my prom. It wasn't in the cards for me. I was destined to take The Ass, someone who made us miss dinner, someone who took me home immediately after, someone who may have cared for me somewhere inside himself but he wasn't going to tell me or show me. He was a challenge. He created drama and I liked that.

Two months before prom I had been dating my first real boyfriend. We dated for about two months until I went to Florida for Spring Break. I was in Daytona where The Ass also was for his Spring Break. Needless to say The Boyfriend and I ended upon my return to Michigan. Honestly it never really occurred to me to ask The Boyfriend to take me to prom. Maybe I knew it would be a magical evening filled with thought and romance and who wants that? Certainly not me. Not the one acting out dramatic scenes from movies in her room. I wanted high drama, conflict, emotion- raw emotion that leads to passion. Scenes that others want to witness.

Some of these same reasons may be why I started a blog. By going to prom with The Ass I turned heads. He was a bad boy from another school and maybe I wanted people to be intrigued by my choice of a date. By starting a blog I invite others into my world, some I know, some I don't. Maybe secretly I am an exhibitionist? I enjoy drama and attention, and I like it even more if others are watching, or reading. Am I using my blog to gain attention? If so, attention from who? I have used my blog to send quiet messages to certain people, and I have used it to send obvious shout-outs to others. Does that make me desperate or just sad? Neither really, it's just all a part of who I am.

My husband doesn't read my blog because he wants me to feel free to write whatever I want without censoring myself. What do you think that means? I often wonder if I would write anything different if I knew he was reading. I doubt it. That would take away the fun of knowing that he's reading. I know others are lurking, and I like that. I will continue to write for them and to them. I will continue to seek out more readers who want to peek into my world, and I will enjoy the feeling I get knowing that they are.

What if I hadn't started a blog?

A thousand other "what ifs" aside, lately I have been wondering what would be different if I hadn't started my blog Hiccup Medicine in January of 2008. Actually I know of a couple of things that would be different. I wouldn't be writing at all and I wouldn't have reconnected and then disconnected with an old friend.

I don't think I would be writing because my blog, whether good or bad, has given me an outlet for my thoughts, and that has kept my passion for writing alive. Yes, there were blog droughts if you will, but when I returned I realized the importance of blogging, or writing, and I remembered how much I enjoy it. My blog, along with my therapist, encouraged me to be more faithful to my old fashioned journal-in-a-notebook too. I have always discounted the value of keeping a journal. I have even said "I've never been good at keeping a journal, I want to, but I just don't." Well, I have found out that that isn't exactly true. I have realized that I have kept pretty good records of some very important times in my life and wow, what a gift those journals are, and that leads me to what else would be different without my blog.

By way of my original blog I reconnected with an old friend. Someone who is a very important part of my history and my life. Someone who is mentioned in those old journals I found and someone who honestly, I never thought would be in my life again. I had forgotten that I had included a link to my blog on my college alumni page. A simple google search of my name will take you to the alumni site and the rest is right there for the linking. I am sharing this with you because it started out as a the coolest of experiences. Without this blog the connect might not have been made, but without this blog I might have been spared the feelings of losing a friend all over again.

You see, sometimes the past is the past and it really should be left there. Sometimes no amount of time can change things, and sometimes no matter how well we connect with someone the connection is not meant to be. Unfortunately, sometimes all of these things have to be learned the hard way, and in the end sadness ensues and you are left with an empty feeling that you are certain will never go away. This is my first time experiencing something like this. I have never lost a friend that I didn't want to lose. It's hard for me to walk away and not fight. It's hard for me to go quietly. Oh and one more thing- I am a bad loser. But I also realize that I can't be selfish, and everything is not all about me. Surprise.

So my blog has taught me some things about myself and changed my life. It's changed me in ways I wasn't looking for but that I am OK with; I have no regrets. Pink has a song called "Crystal Ball" with a line that says Oh I've felt the fire and I've been burned but I wouldn't trade the pain for what I've learned. I guess you could say that my blog exposed me to fire, and really it probably will continue to do so, but I wouldn't trade the good to avoid the bad.

So if I hadn't started a blog I could have avoided this emptiness, but I would have missed out on so much more. So much from the old friend, and so much from so many other places, people and things. All of that is worth everything to me and a wonderful answer to a great "what if".