What if I Suck? Seriously.

Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? ~ Albert Brooks as Aaron Altman in Broadcast News.

I am an insecure person by trade, but lately I've realized I'm seasoned with a hint of egomaniac. I say this because it has occurred to me that I really thought someone would have handed me a job by now. Yes, handed. Go ahead, say it. OK, I'll say it for you. "Bitch please, you're in Michigan. And why do you think you're all that?" I don't think I'm all that, but I've never had to look for a job in my life. I've just gotten them fairly easy. One after the other, for twenty years.

I have been looking for a job, just not that hard. I'm pretty sure my resume needs some help. I think I need a few more versions to accommodate the variety of professions for which I have been applying. I naively also thought it would be easier to get my foot in the movie production door here in Michigan but I haven't had any luck. I've also worked myself into a box apparently because it's hard to read a job listing and feel that I have any business applying. I hope it's my resume and an inability to market myself that is the problem and not just that I simply suck. That would be bad. It's hard to fix suck. It's easier to rewrite your resume. Maybe. Maybe not.

But it's time to crack down. Tomorrow I'm turning in an application at Starbucks. Seriously. Oddly, that's kind of a dream job for me. I joked about working there when I first quit my job but I wasn't really kidding. I do wonder if me working at Starbucks is a little like a pill popper working in a pharmacy but regardless I stopped in today and asked if they were hiring. "We're accepting applications" the girl behind the counter replied. Okay. "Great, can I have one?" I inquired. She couldn't find any, so someone went in the back and made me a copy. Interesting. Tonight as I filled it out I was baffled. How does one fill out an employment application? Will writing my salary from my last job on the app affect their opinion or not? Should I really write that I am available for any hours or should I be honest and say 9 am and on? Seriously I'm not good at 6 am customer service, but I don't want them to pitch my app in the circular file because I am not available for all shifts at all hours. One of the questions asked "Have you ever visited a Starbucks location? If yes, describe your experience." What the hell? Do I write that I can sniff out a Starbucks within a 25 mile radius? Do I kiss Starbucks ass? Do I keep it real? ugh. I'm so not good at this.

I will drop off the application tomorrow with my resume attached and I will wait to see what "we're accepting applications" means in real time. Will I hear something in the next week? Month? Never? Never would be bad. Never would confirm that I suck. Or would it? I just don't know. But additional money must come into this house and soon. I also need purpose and if making lattes is my purpose then let me at it, and throw that loose change in the container on the counter.

Done dropped my hook in a fished-out creek

I'm spent. Tapped out. Empty. No, not my bank account, my energy tank.

This week I managed to catch some strain of cooties for the third time since becoming unemployed. This particular strain came with a high fever, excruciating body aches, and some mucus. Mucus that led to a cough. A productive cough, due to the mucus. Yum.

Needless to say I was pretty much worthless all week. So for the first time since walking out of my office sixteen weeks ago I indulged in daytime TV. A lot of daytime TV. I remembered that I love Ellen Degeneres. I found out that Whoopi is awesome on The View and I caught Van Morrison on Regis & Kelly.

The hot topics were in abundance. I saw many discussions, on many programs about "Octomom". I could not bring myself to watch her interview on Dr. Phil, but I did listen to him talk about her on The View. Judge Judy also had a strong opinion about her that she shared with Ellen.

The Bachelor Jason was also mentioned a few MILLION times during my TV time, and this morning on Ellen I got to see him apologize to the world for being a cad. Or rather, for changing his mind which is what all men do at one time or another anyway.

My boyfriend in another dimension, Jeffrey Dean Morgan was on The View this morning. Yes, Denny Duquette from Grey's Anatomy. Of course they showed the clip that I refer to here and I didn't even have the energy to scream, but I cried. A little. I worked hard and managed to stay away from soap operas. My fear was that if I saw one frame of General Hospital my years of recovery would be shot to hell and I just don't have time for that or I will never go back to work.

I said hello to my good friend Oprah and introduced myself to a new friend named Bonnie Hunt. Oh and I have to ask. What...the...hell...happened to Maury? Is he not married to Connie Chung a well-respected journalist? Does she not watch his show and just want to slap the crap out of him? His show is nothing but DNA tests and bodyguards. When did he become Jerry Springer? I guess I've been out of touch but I seem to recall Maury covering topics that were less creepy back in the day.

The final gem in my week of daytime TV came from TV Land and is responsible for the title to this post. Yesterday I watched about seven episodes of The Beverly Hillbillies. Yes, the black and white ones, not the ones in color. My girls were baffled. "Why is the TV gray?" Jayden asked. "Didn't we see stuff in black and white at Disney World?" Ryann added. I resisted the urge to tell them to shut up, because that's not nice. But please! I cannot hear Granny! I cannot hear Jed! Jed was fresh out of ideas on how to get Granny out of beatnik mode so instead of saying that he said he "done dropped my hook in a fished-out creek." Love. That.

Anyway, today I am feeling better and even managed to leave the house and enjoy the nice weather. I also removed the sweater from the dashboard of my car, 'cause it's almost Spring and my car doesn't need it anymore. Just kidding. It wasn't a sweater. It was a thick layer of dust and hair. Next I'm going to sweep up the french fries, M&M's, fruit snacks, confetti and let's not even think about what else. So I guess you could say I have found some energy. Or as Jed would say "Wee doggies!" Have a good weekend and stay away from the TV.

And then they were eight and five

This post should have been up a few days ago, but it's amazing the level of exhaustion that you can have after hosting eight five-year-olds for a few hours and then 14 adults and 17 kids for an evening.

That was our Saturday and that was Jayden's birthday. My baby is five. Ryann is eight. While they will always be my "babies" I feel we have crossed into new territory where I no longer have babies, I have young ladies. How depressing.

Despite the craziness and the cooties left behind (which have invaded my body and given me yet another virus of some sort) Saturday was a great day. Jayden had so much fun with her friends and was so excited to have them over. They played stick-the-flower on Hello Kitty, Freeze Dance and Hot Potato. Jayden was pleased with her pinata (her only party request) and the girls were all delightful, including the one who told Cory he had to leave because he was the only boy in the house. Ryann was a fantastic helper and truly enjoyed being the big sister. She assisted with the games, judged freeze dance and made sure no one messed up her room :).

All in all Jayden is five and she loves the change. Apparently great things come with being five such as riding the school bus this fall, fastening your own seat belt and sleepovers. We shall see.