Tales from an Overextended Mom

I am overextended.  Not necessarily in the financial sense, although I'm far from flush with cash, but in the time sense.  As in, I have none.  Less than some.  No extra.  Zip.

I must learn to say no.  I must learn to say yes to tasks that make me money, and no to a few things that make others money.  In the last few weeks I have been running a book fair, helping wee ones pick out bling for their mom's at the holiday shop, crafting ornaments with girl scouts, and handling recycling for the elementary school.
In the next few weeks I am going to help at another book fair, suggest a coffee mug for dad at another holiday shop, help with math games, craft ornaments at another workshop, and deliver collected toys and crafts to two local organizations.

Oh yeah and I have a severely past due deadline to contend with, and a few other employment opportunities to move to the top of my priority list.

All bitching aside I do love volunteering.  I love being involved at my daughter's schools and I love helping out where I can whether it's at school, church, or elsewhere.  The problem is that these endeavors are wearing me out and when it comes time to complete tasks that pay me money I have nothing left.  These endeavors also cut into my "me" time, which for the last 10 weeks has involved time at the gym.  I'm on the fast track to 40 and I am making significant changes in my physical health before it gets here.  But if I'm worn out mentally, the feelings overpower my physical strength and not only do I not complete work I get paid for I don't do the work I want to do on me either.

I'm not sure there is a solution to my over extension.  My several jobs, two kids, two dogs, hubby and a house all add to my stress, but I have to cut back for so many reasons the most obvious of which is my sanity!  There are only so many mental health trips to Target-with-a-Starbucks that I can squeeze in to my already negative time balance.  So, what do I do?  What do you do?  I have such a hard time with repetition in my schedule that to live by the hour seems horrific.  But is it the only way?  Must I schedule "me" time so that I don't fill those hours with "them" time?

I'm clueless.  And I'm open to suggestions.  What can I do to find a healthy balance?  What is the proper work-me-them balance?   I'm too tired to think.  Share your wisdom, or your lack of.  I'm all ears.

The Circle of My Life

I've been back in the advertising grind for three months now and I am recognizing the signs.  The signs of me becoming who I was before.  Irritable, tired, anxious, edgy, unable to enjoy the simple things and I am constantly reminding myself to breathe.

I haven't blogged.  I have read a book.  I have a stack of magazines waiting to be read.  And my stomach is a mess.

It's been a long time since I've had the stomach issues brought on by stress but they're back and in full force.  Of course there is the even more demented side of me saying "yay, maybe I'll lose some weight."  But yes, it's a problem.  I have to do more than breathe.  I have to be positive.  Why can't I be positive?  Why can't I not worry about everything?  Why can't I be more like my husband?  The only time his bowels are irritated is when he drinks draft beer.

A friend recommended I try probiotics for my stomach irritability (which blesses me with a host of symptoms) and I am hoping that I can feel less of my stress in my stomach so I am going to give it a whirl and see what happens.  I am trying Member's Mark 4X Probiotic and was fortunate enough to receive a six week supply to try.  I am also visiting Digestive Health for Me!  where there is a forum to discuss digestive health.

It seems I may be on the right track for my digestive issues, now I just need to work on my brain and maintaining a positive outlook, a good work-life balance, etc.  But I guess that's why I go to therapy.  Right?

I received a six week supply of Member's Mark 4X Probiotic from Collective Bias as part of a social shopper's insight study.  All opinions are mine and mine alone.

I've come full circle and I got my Gleek on!

Last weekend I attended my first ever blogging conference.  Perfect timing considering my blog has sat unattended for darn near a month!

I spent two days in lovely Holland, MI at Gleek Retreat 2011 and it was such a great experience.  In addition to spending time with Heather for the first time in about 10 years, I also saw many bloggy friends in real life and even heard a few of them speak and share their blogging expertise!

It was a great way to network from other bloggers like myself, and kick back with an old friend.  The swag bags kicked ass too with fun from Bissell, Therapon, Mabel's Labels, Good Life Granola, Island Girl Bags, Rogers Jewelers and Rudy Kazoody's.

The last six weeks have been a little surreal for me.  You see, it seems I've come full circle.  One of the motivators behind the name of this blog was a major life change I made in November of 2008.  I quit my job in advertising.  Those of you that know me, and those of you that have read about my "process" for the last two-and-half-years may be surprised to find out that I have returned to that world.  Yes, the world of advertising.

I've streamlined some of my extra jobs and have contracted with an agency in the Detroit area.  I handle Business Affairs and about 100 other things.  I'm freelance so I am kind-of my own boss, and I work when and where I want. I don't feel guilt about working at home, and I don't feel guilty if I can't work at all.

So, that's one of the reasons you  haven't heard from me in oh-so-long.  There are other reasons too, but they are for another time and another post.  I'll share more about my job later, but tonight I just wanted to offer an update and a thought- we may wonder what if, and that is OK, but it's also OK to realize that you can go "home" again.  Sometimes when we go to find ourselves, we may realize we were right there all along.  I don't feel lost, and I don't regret my time away from this business, and I'm not 100% sure I'll always be here, but for now it feels right and that's good enough for me.

Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho

I have been a little M.I.A. this week, and I apologize but I have a really good reason.  I'm working!!!!

Yes, I am always working, but this time I am working out of my home, in an office that is 30 minutes from my house.  I have contracted with a company for a couple of weeks and haven't had much free time.  But I'll be back.  This is a good thing!  In the meantime, watch some Snow White and see what song I've been singing in the shower every morning. :)

Hey Charlie Sheen, you're not Winning! I am.

I try to be a forgiving person, I really do.  But I can't forgive Charlie Sheen for being mean to Duckie Dale. I mean, Jon Cryer.  Seriously, in what world is Charlie Sheen drug free?  It's more like, what drug is he not on?

He has now called his TV brother a variety of names, all beginning with T, for not contacting him during his "troubles".  Holy.  Hell.  I could run over Charlie Sheen's cat and I'm pretty sure he wouldn't remember having a cat, so how would he have any recollection if Jon "Blaine?  His name is Blaine?" Cryer rang him up?

I'm a huge Two and a Half Men fan.  But Pretty in Pink is my everything.  You can't slam the Duckster and think I will forget your slander.  Never.

As much as I am disgusted by Mr. Sheen's squinty-eyed internet rants, I also think it's ridiculous to try and put someone else in lead role on Two and a Half Men.  That's shark jumping of epic proportions and it just won't work.  The show is over.  So is Charlie Sheen's career for the immediate future.  Let his parents and the Goddesses deal with him and we shall all move on to bigger and better things.  Such as The Big Bang Theory and  Sh*t my Dad says.

Now let me tell you why I'm winning and Charlie Sheen is not.  Well, because I am working. On all sorts of stuff.

Thinking of trying out a new indoor water park vacation?  Then read my review of Castaway Bay over at Detroit Mommies.

Want to know more about me and how I got to this point in my working life?  Read my column in the Hartland Patch about my move from Career Mom to Stay-at-Home-Mom.

Live in Brighton Township and hooked up to the sewer line?  You should probably read this and adjust your budget accordingly.

Love college basketball and think you know who will win March Madness?  Try your luck here and you might win a year's worth of free gas!

Live in Jackson and find yourself in need of physical therapy?  Check this place out they are thriving.

There's more stuff I do, but I feel I have proven my point to Charlie.  Charlie, who is, was, and will always be, full of shi... tiger blood.

What if I have other things going on?

While blogging is a passion for me, and also something I hope to do for a long time to come, it doesn't always mean I actually have time to sit down and write a post.

I'm kind of all over the place with "jobs".  Some days I cover events and write stories for the Jackson Citizen Patriot.  Recently I started doing the same thing for the Hartland edition of Patch, an online news and information platform and soon I will write for the Brighton Patch as well.

I have my own Rights & Licensing business.  Lately I've helped clear music for an industrial video for a major automotive manufacturer and a track for a smaller company's TV spot.

I also do special projects for a company called Collective Bias where I am paid to shop for specific products and brands.  I have also been asked to promote products at public events and to invite people to my home for a sampling of the same types of things, and I still do occasional posts for Detroit Mommies.
Oh and I recently became an Independent Consultant with Thirty-One gifts.

In addition to all that, I can usually be found about once a week at each of my girls' schools volunteering.  I co-lead two Girl Scout troops and my husband and I run the concession stand during soccer season.

Once in a while I try to sleep, eat, and watch Bones.  So, if my posting has been spotty, I think you may understand why :)

Last weekend I had an opportunity to have Ryann invite some friends over for a little spa party courtesy of MommyParties and Ottilie and Lulu.

Ottilie and Lulu sells a few items specially formulated for the personal care of tweens and their emerging hormones.  The girls washed their faces, learned about moisturizer, got awesome goodies to take home and I think, have a genuinely good time.  I love that I get to do things like this with my girls.  They are growing up so fast, and I hope they realize that even though Mama is "all-over-the-place" doing work, that the work I do is for them.  And me too of course.  Because I love all the different things I get to do, and I love the time I spend with my family while doing it.
I think my husband likes it too, as you can see in the left sidebar. I did a Frank's Red Hot shop yesterday and made meatballs.  Totally broke his heart ;)

More check-ins at House of Swann

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Disclosure:  I was supplied an abundance of Ottilie & Lulu products for free to give away at our party.  However all opinions expressed are mine and mine alone.

Best. Day. Ever. (and the most overused title for a blog post)

*** a funny thing happened on my way to writing this post.  I had the best day, then a good day, then a bad day, and now another good day with bad undertones.  Just another week in my rollercoaster life. ***

I started this post on November 16.

Twelve days ago.

*sigh*

It started as a great post.  I had just finished a music deal for one of my clients and I was euphoric.  I was also picked for quite a few special projects with Collective Bias.  I was on top of the world. And then...

I was going about my day, my really great day, when I decided to sort through the bills folder.  Bad idea.  We have never "swam in cash".  But, and I am going to sound like a broken record here, since I quit that job two years ago (November 13, 2008 to be exact) we have barely dipped our toes in cash.  Every time I think we can exhale a little something stupid happens.  Truck repairs.  Checking account mishap *blush*.  Girls want to play indoor soccer. etc. etc. etc.

Of course on this day, that fateful November 16th my husband was also at deer camp.  I hate this time of year.  I don't care that he deer hunts.  I don't care that he travels to the far reaches of the Upper Peninsula to do it.  I just care that he goes in November.  When it's dark at 5 p.m. and cold, and dreary, and depressing to even the most non-depressed.  I really don't like November.  Bad things happen in November.  My kids get sick in November.  I quit jobs in November (wait...).  I find ways to rock the boat in November.

Do you get the picture?  November = hate.

The last 12 says have been up and down.  High and low.  Great and sucky.  Throughout all of that I just couldn't finish this blog post.  I was feeling too much, and I couldn't express it in words. 

In my rollercoaster of a week I did some thorough cleaning.  I started my one-month free pass to the gym, and I started eating better.  I am whacked.  Or perhaps, bipolar?  I just don't know anymore.

But today I decided to finish this post.  I hate unfinished tasks and I couldn't bring myself to delete the non-published few words.  I had to finish it, and move forward.  I am sitting at the new Biggby Coffee by my house and I am finishing things, and accomplishing things, and trying to be more up than down, and repeating one fact.  December is two days away.

What If I didn't make the connection that has opened so many doors?

A year ago right now I was still trying to figure it all out.  I was making progress in my mid-life crisis, but I still wasn't there.  Whereever "there" was.

But as I was experimenting with Twitter, and a variety of Moms boards (in addition to my facebook addiction) I came across a fellow Mom who was looking for Detroit bloggers to help with a new website.  I, of course, contacted her and expressed my interest.

In August of last year, I started contributing to a website called DetroitMommies which was founded by Courtney.  Thanks to Courtney, in the last year I have been invited to a blogging brainstorm at a local TV station and a variety of events for kids and families.  I've reviewed and received some awesome products and I was invited to join Collective Bias, an emerging media firm focused on the intersection of mobile/social media and social shopper marketing.

So, in short, I am writing about what I want to on my blog.  Freelancing for a newspaper covering a variety of stories where every assignment is different and I am always learning something new.  Reading a chick lit book here and there and relaying cool news related to the genre.  And finally, I am paid to shop and offer my opinion.  Seriously.  Can you tell me that commuting an hour each way to sit sit at a desk for eight hours was better than this?  I think not. 

My Space

 After a year and four months of floating from the kitchen table to the living room, to the recliner, to the end table, and cleaning up and moving my stuff every night I am proud to announce I finally have my own office.

All of the crap....ummmm.... very important items to the man of the house.... that you see in this picture used to be in the room you see below (I forgot to take REAL before pictures.)

This is a room in our basement that you get to before you get to Cory's workshop and it was a catch all.  It was very hard to see any potential in the room because of all of the stuff, and how high it was stacked.

Earlier this year Cory won an awesome slate-top pool table at an auction at his work.  It was the perfect addition to his man-cave but we were going to have to do some rearranging to get it to fit.

We have a sectional couch in the basement that after 6 years looked brand new because we have spent so little time down there since the big screen TV died. (No worries we have another one upstairs).  So, short story long, we moved our "newer" furniture upstairs with the good TV, and put the "older" furniture downstairs to make room for the pool table.  During all that moving, and removing- of the couch legs- with a saw- to get the damn thing down the stairs- we discovered that this little nook in our home was perfect for My Space.  My office that I so desperately needed and wanted.  All it took was a little imagination on my part and a lot of moving stuff, and this is what we have now.

I admit, it's not worthy of Architecture Digest, but I love it and I can leave all my work notes spread out.  All. Over. And no one is going to touch them.  I used material on the walls rather than paint and bought an area rug for the tiled floor.  My mother-in-law had a bookcase to dispose of and it matched the one I already have.  So I moved that down too and now I have a library :)

The only thing left to do is make a folding room divider to block out the look of the furnace, water heater, and workshop entry that is to my right.  The less clutter I have to see the better.  But I am so proud of my space.  It has increased my organization and productivity immensely in the short time I have been down here.  I love that I can put my kids on the bus, come home, make coffee, and go to my office.  I am usually "at work" by 8:45 and it feels great.  So great, I just had to share.

Hey, one more thing!  Come back tomorrow!  I'm going to show you how to make some awesome Tomato Basil pizza and I have the coolest giveaway from RedGold tomatoes!!!!  Did you know that RedGold tomatoes uses all midwest growers including many right here in Michigan!  So please come back!

IMHO

The goodbyes get easier, the ideas get fewer and the state of the advertising industry in Detroit just isn’t the same compared to other major advertising cities in the U.S.

Those in New York, Los Angeles and Chicago have experienced downsizing, years without raises and the decline of television ad dollars in favor of email pushes and viral ads. But none of those cities have felt the sting of the decline like the Motor City.

Motown advertising and its undeniable dependency on the Big 3 for billings spent the first decade of the 21st century on edge.

The end of the 20th century saw Ford move its national Lincoln and Mercury business from Young & Rubicam in Detroit to the Y&R offices in Irvine and San Francisco. Those that were willing to relocate could interview for their jobs positioned out West. If leaving Michigan wasn’t an option then they found themselves unemployed.

In 2001, DaimlerChrysler consolidated its advertising services to one agency. This movement gave birth to a new entity, briefly called Pentamark, and it marked the end of the Detroit chapter of Foote, Cone & Belding. While Pentamark was supposed to be a merger of FCB and BBDO, the foreign nature of the name left many vendors dazed and confused and before long BBDO Detroit had made a return.

Half way through the Decade of the Aughts Ford moved its Lincoln Mercury business back to Detroit and BBDO, with DaimlerChrysler’s help, began its descent from over 2000 employees to just over 400 before it closed its doors in January 2010.

Layoffs in masses, and the wildfire-like spreading of the news has taken its mental toll on Detroit and morale has gotten lower and lower. The tumultuous decade saw the Detroit office of D’Arcy change their name to Chemistri, and then to Leo Burnett. J. Walter Thompson, Young & Rubicam and Ogilvy & Mather, “Pentamarked” themselves into Team Detroit; and finally, the third owner of “Chrysler” decided that not one, not two, but four agencies would suffice to handle their national advertising, only one of which is in Detroit. The doing was undone, and redone, and so on, and so on.

The advertising industry, as shown in AMC’s hit series Mad Men, had its heyday, and it was worthy of every “remember when” it receives. But the decline of the U.S. economy and the greed of others have prompted the best to work for less, and the need for their expertise to become obsolete. The Creative Directors and Account Managers aren’t making the decisions and their ground breaking ideas are being ignored. The clients have taken over, and it doesn’t take a Harvard MBA to see how that’s working for them.

It’s sad. Unemployment is unbelievable in the Detroit ad community. If you’re on the creative side and you can’t leave the state, the jobs that are available won’t compare to what “you used to do”. But there’s still a longing, a longing for what used to be. For what once was, and there’s hope. Somewhere at an intersection between Auburn Hills, Dearborn and the Renaissance Center in downtown, there is a glimmer of Hope that someday they will all work together once again.

What if the past had stayed the past?

Have you ever had a year where you had constant trips down memory lane? I'm sure facebook is the main reason for this phenomena but I am still amazed by the number of people I have encountered in the last twelve months who I never, ever, thought I would see again.

If you have not experienced this I recommend getting a job as a reporter for your hometown newspaper. It's insane who you will run into.

November 13

I have been waiting a whole year to write this post, and yet, here I sit at 9 p.m. just getting started.

All year long I have had ideas of what I might write on this day. I have had dreams about what I might list as my accomplishments and what I still planned to do. But it's funny, I almost don't feel like any of that is really important.

One year ago on November 13, 2008 I walked out of my office, and away from my career in advertising and never looked back. Seriously. I haven't even been back to visit. The week before I left, the company I worked for laid off two hundred or so employees and I found out that if I hadn't given notice I was going to be outsourced anyway. Ironically, one year later the same week, that same company announced that they will close their doors at the end of January because their only client is partnering with other advertising agencies. (OK, you twisted my arm, the client is Chrysler.)

I have mentioned on many occasions that this time of year is significant for me. I have had several life altering events occur in the month of November. When I was 22 my Grandpa fell ill in November and died on December 1st. I have had other traumas during this time as well, some devastating for me, and others where my actions have devastated others. I ended a twelve year career in advertising in November.

This year, during my week of reflection and the one year anniversary of the biggest risk of my life, we put our 16 year old Lab C.J. to sleep and I saw my girls cry for a dog that has been around for their entire lives. I saw the exhaustion in my husbands face after taking C.J. to the vet and then burying him in our yard at 10 p.m. all the night before leaving for his annual hunting trip.

Cory left Thursday night and I have that empty feeling that I feel every year when he leaves for the Upper Peninsula. My Grandpa got sick when Cory was up north, our life together has been in shambles while Cory was up north, and honestly I had a strong fear that C.J. would finally "go" when Cory was up north.

So much has happened in November that I now associate with this trip that I have spent the first 24 hours feeling out of sorts. I go through the motions, I take care of my girls, but in the back of my head there is something nagging me, and it has no name, no face, no exact anything, it just hangs there. The trip. The dog. I used to work full time?

I can't say my career is where I thought it would be a year later, because I had no idea. I didn't know I would be freelancing for my hometown newspaper, or doing writing of any sort. I didn't know I would have a part time job in retail that I truly love. I didn't realize how many people would tell me (this week alone) that the all mighty dollar has nothing on happiness and spending quality time with family and feeling passionate about what you do each day. I had no idea how much lower my stress level would be, and I had no idea how much I would miss that dog.

Speaking of missing people, I miss many of my old co-workers. I miss some dear friends who I have not hung out with in so long. There are others I miss as well. Still.

Life has it's up and downs. It has it's right turns and wrongs. I truly believe I have no regrets, but I will always wonder what if. I made the right decision one year ago when I left my career for myself. I still don't have all the answers, and I feel like I have even less time, but I'm OK with all of that. It's all about the process. My process. And it's all about being happy because you deserve to be.

The Broken Clock is a Comfort

I'm starting to notice a pattern. It seems that while Fall may be my second favorite season it's also the time of year I am most likely to go into a dark place and start questioning everything. It may be why I quit my job almost a year ago, although I feel like I was fairly in control of that decision, but it's probably why I am starting to question myself again.

I've had some interesting things happen to me in the Fall, things of great significance. Some were bad, some good, some in between. Some events that made me question so many things about myself and my life- my decisions and my dreams. All the questions come with the darkness. The early darkness of Fall.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be content. I wonder if anyone is truly content for any length of time. I recently had a discussion about motivation versus inclination. So I may be motivated but not so inclined to complete the tasks that are required to do my work. Or maybe I am inclined to do them, but not motivated?

This seems to be the time of year I go looking for things. Things both good and bad- ha ha. I can laugh about it now. It's also the time of year I miss things, and people. I reminisce in the early darkness of evening and I wonder, what if? I dissect lyrics, and scenes from films, and I replay significant events from my life over and over in my head. Seasons come and seasons go, it's that time of year, and that, nothing and no one, can change.

What if we hadn't stopped with two?

What if we hadn't stopped with two children, that is. I will tell you what if, and please pardon my glee, because you see, if we hadn't stopped with two, everyday at 8:30 a.m. I wouldn't be FREE!!!!!

Free takes on many meanings here. Yes, my tax dollars are at work when my children enter their school everyday, but I'm not cutting a check for weekly daycare, after-school care, or any other kind of care.

I also don't have to take them anywhere, because they ride the bus!!! At the same time!!! To the same place!!! Every day!!! And the icing on the cake? They come back!!! At four!!! Every day!!! And I don't have to go pick them up!!! And I don't feel guilty that they're gone because legally they have to be there!!! Every day!!! At least the weekdays!!!

OK, I will try to control myself now...

Of course I miss them, I spent the last two weeks being a non-blogger and absorbing every moment with them. And, yes I simply can't believe that Jayden is old enough to be in kindergarten. (All day!!! Every day!!! Did I mention that?) But you see I had been an out-of-the-house working mom for eight years before I became whatever-the-hell-you-want-to-call-me for the last year. This last year confirmed for me what I had suspected all along. I was not meant to be a stay-at-home mom. I don't have the patience. I'm too selfish with my time. I enjoy my girls so much more when I can be away for them a small amount of time each day. Or seven hours. Every day.

It helps that they are both so excited to go to school every day. On the first day I didn't even get a hug and a kiss before Jayden jumped on the bus. Ryann thinks fourth grade is going to be her best year yet, in fact, she wants to be in fourth grade forever. (All day, every day) All of this makes my level of giddy that much greater. I am blessed with two beautiful girls, that are happy, healthy, and excited to learn. I had a wonderful summer with them, filled with the simple things, and I loved every second.

Now I put them on the bus each day with their backpacks, folders, water bottles, nutritious snacks, lunches, homework, appropriate attire and I know they are all ready for their day.

After I wave, non-stop for a minute or two, switching hands for fear of carpal tunnel, and the long yellow bus disappears around the corner I begin MY day. A day I am so blessed to have. I write, I do laundry, I have breakfast with a friend. I feel wonderful. Life is good. Oh and ten months ago today I left my job at an advertising agency. A job I went to all day, every day, without exclamation points. Yeah, life is really good.

All day. Every day.

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'til it goes bad

Even without episodes of depression life is full of ups and downs. People often say they are waiting for the other shoe to drop, or things are going so good, when is the bad thing coming?

So I can go along having a great freelance month. Lots of newspaper assignments, a lot of traffic here and at the Examiner. I even got a new gig covering my county at Detroit Mommies, and then here comes the crap, I mean, not so good things.

Right before we left for vacation our dryer stopped drying, it's spins but doesn't heat up. The wall of our shower caved in (water was getting behind the tile). The fridge in our camper stopped working, and the A/C in my car died. Oh and while we were on vacation, our lovely oldest daughter hurled on Cory's laptop while watching a movie. Luckily, it still works, but is in the shop for cleaning and a new keyboard.

Some may think, bad karma? And I admit I have said "Who did I wrong in a previous life?" But let's not go there. Let's just say, it's all put us a little further behind than we already were, and how far behind we are is just a result, again, of me quitting my job nine months ago.

Oh yeah, that again. It's very hard to relaunch your life and redirect your career when the crap keeps showing up. But who am I kidding? It's just that other old saying "no one said it was going to be easy." It's not easy, the crap is hard, and every time I jump a hurdle someone puts another one up in front of me. But I wake up everyday thankful for what I don't have to do, and thankful for what I have, and I try not to let the crap get to me. Because honestly? The crap is worth it.

Where I've Been

So, the blog has been neglected lately. There are two main reasons for my absence. One, the last few weeks of school for my daughter were nutty. I went with her on a field trip to The Henry Ford Museum and Greenfield Village. I volunteered at her field day. I've gone to soccer games, and soccer end-of-season parties. I've worked at the flower shop, although I really think I'm done there for now- I think.

But the other main reason is that I have been writing, just not here. I have been writing for a local newspaper. I've done a few features, and been to a few township and school board meetings. I really love it, although I spent most of today writing a story, and editing it, and tweaking it, and when it's all said and done I've probably make about $1.50 a hour on this assignment, but who's counting?

I figured in order to prove my excuse I'd link to some of my work. I won't win any awards, but I'm still happy.

My Debut

And then...

Finally.

Who knew? What if?

Today I am wondering "what if?" Seems appropriate doesn't it, given the name of my blog and all. I am wondering what if because it seems my job at the flower shop/garden center/greenhouse is slowing down, or coming to a close, however you want to describe less hours.

For the last two months I have run around that place like a crazy woman. I have averaged about 25 hours a week and now it has become apparent that either due to the bad economy or the screwy Michigan weather, business is not blooming in the flower industry. Yesterday was apparently so slow they told me I didn't have to come in at all.

The funny thing is- I'm fine with that. The job totally served it's purpose and if I only work one day a week for them or just as needed, I am still very happy that I did it at all. I met some super nice people. I saw that a family run business still has it's place in today's world of "box" stores. I learned the value of "growing your own" plants and standing behind your product. I learned to treat each potted petunia and hanging basket as if it was going in my own yard. Most of all I learned purpose. I learned that I can do just about anything, if I want to give it a try. So what I am saying is that if I actually asked "What if I hadn't applied at five greenhouses in town and been hired at the one that seemed like the longest shot?" Well, the answer is I would have missed out on a great learning experience.

I would have missed out on the chance to move. Yes, move, I can't even imagine the miles I put on my sneakers in the last two months. It has felt great! I would have missed out on the chance to learn even more about flowers and plants. Who knew there were that many colors of Coleus? Who knew a plant named Lophospermum could attract hummingbirds and be so beautiful? Who knew I could create flower artwork in my own patio pots that didn't consist of a geranium, some vinca vine and a spike? Who knew sweet potato vine was so pretty? Who knew I could have a farmer's tan that I would be proud of? Yeah, who knew? What if? Very valid questions and the story of my life.

Working at the flowerland has changed me, and I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. If they ask me to come back and help in the fall, the winter or next year I will do so eagerly. Because you can't place a dollar amount on the value of a job well done. Near six figure salaries do not compare to personal pride in beautiful, hard work that is appreciated by those in charge. Using your brain, treating people with kindness when they have a question, and sleeping well when you lay down at night have no monetary value. But the sense of self-worth they give you out pays the rest any day.

Half of a year

Today is my sixth month anniversary. I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but holy hell, six months have passed since I walked out of that window office, and what a journey it has been.

Today my third article was published in the newspaper, and I spent seven hours surrounded by beautiful flowers working my butt off.

Tonight I sit here and think about the last six months and can't even begin to list the emotions I have felt, the tasks I have accomplished, the changing I have done. I am a different person than I was six months ago, but I am the same person I was many years ago. I am someone who smiles at opportunities and calls her Mom to ask "what page am I on today?" I am someone who does not dread Mondays. I am someone who sleeps soundly, and who feels true, earned exhaustion. I am someone who feels blessed that her risks are starting to pay off, and I am proud to say I took a chance on me and it was worth every tear, stomach ache, and second of panic.

I now know the answer to the question "What if I hadn't quit my job?" It's simple really. I wouldn't be as happy as I am right now, and that is all the answer I need.

Isn't it Ironic (Don't ya think?)

That me, with the self-esteem of a slug, subjects herself to midnight newspaper deadlines that ensure my sleep will be anything but peaceful tonight?

I mean, seriously. I cover a school board meeting from 7 - 9:30, drive home while listening to my tapes, and then submit a story that I had basically written by 11 at midnight because I had to keep tweaking it and tweaking it until I was certain it was the biggest piece of crap ever composed.

Now I'm going to play on facebook and keep refreshing my email until my eyes pop out of my head just in case my editor writes to compliment me on the biggest piece of crap he's ever read.

And I opted out of advertising six months ago tomorrow why?

What a Day

Today is a fantastic day.

It probably seems odd to hear that from me doesn't it? But today is the day that my risks are really starting to pay off. Today is the day that I can check something off my life's to-do list. Today my first article was published in a newspaper. I can't stop smiling.