My Life of What Ifs

Thursday, March 19, 2009


I've often wondered what would be different if I had taken someone else to my senior prom. Someone who openly and outwardly cared for me and made it the evening found in Molly Ringwald movies. But then I realize that there was no chance I could have taken someone else to my prom. It wasn't in the cards for me. I was destined to take The Ass, someone who made us miss dinner, someone who took me home immediately after, someone who may have cared for me somewhere inside himself but he wasn't going to tell me or show me. He was a challenge. He created drama and I liked that.

Two months before prom I had been dating my first real boyfriend. We dated for about two months until I went to Florida for Spring Break. I was in Daytona where The Ass also was for his Spring Break. Needless to say The Boyfriend and I ended upon my return to Michigan. Honestly it never really occurred to me to ask The Boyfriend to take me to prom. Maybe I knew it would be a magical evening filled with thought and romance and who wants that? Certainly not me. Not the one acting out dramatic scenes from movies in her room. I wanted high drama, conflict, emotion- raw emotion that leads to passion. Scenes that others want to witness.

Some of these same reasons may be why I started a blog. By going to prom with The Ass I turned heads. He was a bad boy from another school and maybe I wanted people to be intrigued by my choice of a date. By starting a blog I invite others into my world, some I know, some I don't. Maybe secretly I am an exhibitionist? I enjoy drama and attention, and I like it even more if others are watching, or reading. Am I using my blog to gain attention? If so, attention from who? I have used my blog to send quiet messages to certain people, and I have used it to send obvious shout-outs to others. Does that make me desperate or just sad? Neither really, it's just all a part of who I am.

My husband doesn't read my blog because he wants me to feel free to write whatever I want without censoring myself. What do you think that means? I often wonder if I would write anything different if I knew he was reading. I doubt it. That would take away the fun of knowing that he's reading. I know others are lurking, and I like that. I will continue to write for them and to them. I will continue to seek out more readers who want to peek into my world, and I will enjoy the feeling I get knowing that they are.

1 comment:

Zoe said...

wow. i think we took the same guy to prom. except my boyfriend was in prison and i went with a friend...who was pissed he was only a friend. it ended badly. my whole entire high school career.

everyone has their own reasons for blogging. some healthy and some not. for me it's simply because i am too fat to have sex in public places any more :)